Nothing in the Past
For far too long I've had high hopes in things that were superficial at best. It's been crazy, I've been crazy to have tried to see the world as something where achieving wants is instantaneous. Where the thoughts in my head can be made into reality. I've just thought too much that I could get anything and everything I wanted, only to realize that that's not how the world works.
Finding the things one truly can fall in love with starts with the self. During the past few days, starting from when I woke up anti-social again -- this time it wasn't accompanied by depression which made me began to think that there was something else brewing -- I have began to realize that I have a mind's eye. Now I can tell where my mindset is. Like when talking to a girl or getting really stoned, the creative part of the brain with all the silliness, hopes and dreams kicks in. At this point I no longer thing in terms of what is actually happening in the moment. I'm lost in my own thoughts and perceive things the way I'd like them to be rather than how they are. This does have its uses only sometimes. Unfortunately, this is where my mind's eye has been most of the time. Then there's the other part, it feels like the front of my brain that perceives the real factual world, where things happen in the now. Here I am actually intelligent and use this for when problem solving and high pressure situations. I'm clear, thoughtful, speak well and even able to read people. I just did not understand that there was a difference. I just thought people liked the creativity but it also distorted my view of people.
Really, it seems that I just don't want to come off as an asshole, as self-centered and self-serving, but listening to enough people's bullshit, trying to see the good that doesn't exist and going along with things you don't agree with is absolute crap. I don't need to kiss anyone's ass. I'm pretty mean and brutal deep down, so maybe it's some sort of whacked out survival technique. But to be honest, I'd rather be honest. And so here is honesty.
Finding the things one truly can fall in love with starts with the self. During the past few days, starting from when I woke up anti-social again -- this time it wasn't accompanied by depression which made me began to think that there was something else brewing -- I have began to realize that I have a mind's eye. Now I can tell where my mindset is. Like when talking to a girl or getting really stoned, the creative part of the brain with all the silliness, hopes and dreams kicks in. At this point I no longer thing in terms of what is actually happening in the moment. I'm lost in my own thoughts and perceive things the way I'd like them to be rather than how they are. This does have its uses only sometimes. Unfortunately, this is where my mind's eye has been most of the time. Then there's the other part, it feels like the front of my brain that perceives the real factual world, where things happen in the now. Here I am actually intelligent and use this for when problem solving and high pressure situations. I'm clear, thoughtful, speak well and even able to read people. I just did not understand that there was a difference. I just thought people liked the creativity but it also distorted my view of people.
Really, it seems that I just don't want to come off as an asshole, as self-centered and self-serving, but listening to enough people's bullshit, trying to see the good that doesn't exist and going along with things you don't agree with is absolute crap. I don't need to kiss anyone's ass. I'm pretty mean and brutal deep down, so maybe it's some sort of whacked out survival technique. But to be honest, I'd rather be honest. And so here is honesty.
I'm on the right path, I need not be afraid of anyone or anything. Right now, it's all about me, meaning that I am the only one to look out for. Of course, there are my brothers, who have been by my side in the darkest of moments and the happiest of times, but for our sake, I need to be stronger. For my family, I need to be alone. I love the help they have given me, but I don't want it anymore. I'm okay with being alone and struggling in the open world. Of having no one, because that's what I seek for myself, to find strength in the lone wilderness of the world. I have my courage and my intelligence.
Right now, I need no one for emotional support, no love, no sympathy, no compassion from anyone. All I need is my courage, intelligence and my reasons to follow my bliss. To go on the darkest path to find the brightest treasures of my heart. This I won't find in anyone, only within myself. I will see the world for what it is, and live with a single urge to give myself my all, and I'll be okay. I'll be great.
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