Surrender

I stop writing for a while, thinking that I don't need it, but the truth is that I do. Months later and now I realize that I'm still depressed. I am behind on my school work and I just can't find the motivation to do so. Ting is, I wanna be a leader, how can I ever land a leadership position if I can't even motivate myself? How am I supposed to motivate others when I don't even have it set for me. Perhaps I should start thinking of myself as an organization. One that has needs and is motivated by incentives. What is the problem? The problem is that I have all this school work I am held back on. The need is that I have to graduate. The only ones that can do it are my brain and my heart. Nothing keeps my brain from going for it, so there is a problem with my heart. My heart is so separate from my brain now. Why is there that disconnection? I can say all the things I hate about myself... but the truth is that maybe I just need to recognize what I am and who I have become. There are plenty of things I have failed at, and will continue to fail in. That's OK. There are also plenty of things I can do well. Let's start from what I can do. What I'm not capable of is what I am not capable of in this present moment. I can watch NetFlix all night, or start reading my course materials. I will read my course materials because that window is slipping out from right under me, there is a time limit, and sure there is for NetFlix shows as well, but I have more time to watch them and can binge watch all break. So focus on school first right now, because that is what I can make the most progress in.

Then there is my love life. Non-existent. There's nothing I really care to do then. I guess random fucks are just going to be random fucks. Share some moments then move on. Sex doesn't really get me anywhere, and if anything, I could always jerk off and be done with it til the next urge.

Family, I have to speak to my mother more, but I won't be able to unless I do my work. Funny how, how I thought of sex over family. Kinda sad, really.

And finally, coming to terms with myself. There is a void and I feel it earning to be filled. The only thing that will fill it are the good things I seek for myself to place into it. I am depressed, but it's OK. It's a feeling like any others and I must take myself into greater consideration. Saying no is fine. I have to allow myself to feel and be OK and stop looking for bandages. My mom raised me well, so I have the tools and skills needed to make good choices for myself.

Money isn't that big of an issue, even though I have all this debt. I can pay bills and still get by, barely. I do spend a lot on partying. But that's done. I am going to be more cautious and more open with myself from this point. Seems like I always get back here but maybe that's the thing... This is just who I am, and I have to stop looking out the window. I have to live in the present and just simply finally live a life of surrender.

“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

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