Finding Bliss

I have a rich inner world that not many people have. It's a place where only I can be happy by myself.  I thought it was weird and I have thought that I must find happiness in the external, over the horizon, across the sea, over the hill, and on to the next one, but my home is here in my heart. It can all be taken away in an instant, but I can live peacefully and happily knowing myself, growing and continuously challenging myself. Even as a web designer, half the things I work on, I don't know initially, but I'm smart enough to figure out. I'm definitely not the best, but I am great at adapting.

Life is short. I wanted to write what I wanted to write but now I just don't want to after a somber feeling has come over me. I am grateful for everything in my life. It definitely could be much different.

I am part of a generation that's lost. This weekend I had my friend from Pittsburgh housesit with me. Watched the house, and two Pittbulls. It was relaxing since I'm so used to fake personified New York women. There's something about girls raised in suburbs, in non-city environments that's soothing. I might know how to act, but I think New York just teaches you to act. There's a lot of people, many you don't wanna deal with and sometimes you just wanna put up face and not deal with it. There's horses of every type of person, so when you move on to a small town mindset, it throws you off. However, I was also raised on Namibia, which has taught me all about being genuine. True feelings flow like a leaky faucet. It's nice to have people see you for that. My friend and I walked around the city from South Ferry to Madison Square Park. I shared experiences that I would never share with any of my other friends. We ended up at MSP and saw a concert at a festiv...

I've been thinking of writing the last few days. Recently, I've been involved in reading a lot of psychology texts and I come to realize that I do have ways to go. I'm sure that in time that I will be able to let go once again. I'm stuck feeling vulnerable. I want to figure out what's going on in my unconscious cause I have dreams and it is translated in my dreams. I'm still seeking courage at this time.

I can feel a new horizon, that which I want to fight for, to die for, by my hand and through my choices. This country was never for me. I'm a weird person, I admit, therefore I shall not stay and be what I think others find comfortable. There is no comfort in me.

I'll take a shot right in the back and drink up suffocation. I think it's better to drown, to feel on the edge, to feel like I can finally let go and let the water in my lungs. For what it's worth, I will become part of the world I once came from. Some of us were never meant for the American dream. Some of us just believe that there's something more to give in to. Give up, breathe in and let it go. I'll never be the same. My future lays in the deeps of the world. I want to drown and be absorbed, relieved and reborn as liquid as water, flowing free, and becoming the source of living

Fuck the train. I'm hungry. I just had shepard's pie that my mom's other made. Dunno what to call him, he's cool though cause he makes delicious food and is funny. Just sat down on the front of the train. See a brown spot, sit next to it, homie across tells me that it's blood. For real? NYC, I love you but I fucking hate you... Piece of shit. Last night, girl pukes, passes out entire ride. Tonight, straight up blood before, streak of liquid running down the train. Fuck.