Finding Bliss

I'm not as prepared as I should be. It's 3 am, so clearly I'm nervous. Not much I can do now except take the test and see what I get. Good luck.

Two days left until I finally take the GMAT and I plan on studying well. I worked out, ate dinner, and still hungry. That's why I get a bowl of oatmeal cooling down next to me right after I ate a salad. My hunger as definitely increased now that I am closer to 140 lbs. Just 2 more to go, but I sure do eat so much. I am spending over $300 in groceries a month, I think that's a lot, but it's all organic. I remember that earlier this year I was at this weight, but I got side tracked with all my friends and socializing. Now, I have no friends or socializing. Nor do I drink, so no distractions. I am thinking back to when I first realized that I no longer had friends, I had read from numerous sources (obviously did my research) that it was a time to work on the self and be selfish -- not in destructive way -- to understand the self. At first, it was really frustrating, but I am now learning the peace that I once had. For so long, I was obsessed with the lone wolf, but I kept h

I am getting used to the silence, growing detached from everything and having nothing keeping me bound. It's nice not knowing anyone. I don't know love, friendship or attachment anymore. Now, I can see my own thoughts and no longer feel like I need to impress anyone. I'm just alone, and by the power if Grayskull, I sure feel powerful. Loneliness has definitely made me see that no one matters. Movies are just movies, and none of it is real. The only thing that is real is each day and each moment inscribed. I wish I did this a year ago.

I don't know what to write. Feels like my mind is clearing up. Finally finding comfort in myself as I let my thoughts go and spectate. I can say I do not feel the same as I used to be. I am relieved.

Freedom. All it takes is a bit of time and all things work out. I'm relieved. It feels like everything is finally back to normal again. White walls surrounding and normalcy sinking in. The joy I have sought feels so close. I can't believe I am looking forward to struggling in the wilderness alone. Sure do love winter.

On this path I walk, truths that were once natural to me reveal themselves. I cannot put my finger on it, but every day, the sky seems to open up and illuminate my world inch by inch. Just today, I can see why I am happiest alone, and as time goes on, the attachments to others disappears. Slowly, I sink deeper into the unknown with only the desire to live up to my name. Just as I did as a child. To those I had once called my friends, I say goodbye to you. It's for the best. One day, our roads may cross. Today, I walk alone. So here I am, Anima. I am now listening again.

My mind draws a blank. I'm about to pass out, but I thought I should write something for dreamland. So, I have 15 days to study for the GMAT and get a 700+ score. I'm at the 50th percentile currently. I have to get to 90. Also, I'm working out every day. I can tell that my size is increasing. My upper body is getting stronger a lot faster than the lower. Don't want to look like I've been skipping leg day. I may have been. This nervous feeling always hits me before squats. But I can say I am getting better on my squat form with 100 lb weights. Smashed out 60 today in 3 sets. On Tuesday, I gotta try 25x25x20. That's going to be painful. More studying and working out tomorrow

So, it seems that everyone has to pick one thing and stick to it. We can't just be Donald Trump and stick our fingers in every piece of the pie. The world is so big, and so exciting. It would be great to see all different sorts of perspective, but I think there are just too many to see. Maybe the view looks better from the top, which will give me  better idea of everyone below. The choice I have now is to go to school. And this time, I cannot avoid studying for the GMATs. The goal is to get a 700+ so that I look fucking awesome for all these schools that I will apply to. I left my job and now have a few weeks to study. I think I will spend the rest of this month studying every day til I know how to problem solve and analyze like the back of my hand. I cannot wait to get into school and have some dope job that tires me out every day, but always look forward to wake up and getting ready. Definitely do not want that feeling of not liking what I am doing, or feeling like I am wast

Feeling so excited for school right now. I do not know which school, or what my focus is on, but I do know this is what I want. I feel so close, yet so far. Still have to work on finding a job, so all I can do is apply. Goal for tonight: lift and eat.

The girl next door caught me staring at her ass today after she told me her name. She did have a nice butt and was wearing these white leggings with black print on them. Fuck it. Guilty as charged. I'll do it again too cause that butt was fantastic. Goal for tonight: Send out 3+ job applications, squats and eat.