Four Years

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything. There's so many thoughts circulating throughout my head that I want to just pin down and let out one at a time. I guess that's why I still write.

Currently, I live in New York City. I have no friends. I do not want any. I'm not good with relationships at all because I am lost inside my own head. I am lost in my own head 'cause I am lost in life. There was a path with an unknown destination that I once had. Every day I'd live it, meet new people, be with people, but never folded to the crowd. I guess that's what "riding the wave" meant. One day, I decided to live a life like others, and I lost my way. Now, I no longer have those relationships I once had; they seemed to become a poison to my being. Probably because I was headed down a dead-end street that everyone else knew not to follow. Well, I reached the bottom.

I am tired and bored with everything. There's no reason why I want to continue living like this. I do not like my current job. My love of life is meaningless. I find myself standing on the edge of rooftops looking over the city. Sometimes I have thoughts of jumping, but then I think of how wasted my life would be. I hate those thoughts. I hate how I even have them. Standing on the edge should be liberating and exciting. But it feels so numb. Not what I want, just like where I am in life. I guess it doesn't feel good anymore cause I have nothing to look forward to.

But there is the light. There is nothing. I am nothing, just an empty void. And only over the past few days have I started realizing that as an empty void, all alone, no friends but my family, I am capable of anything as I do not have anything to lose. It was so hard to see that I should start living my life, to see that I have a life to live and that no one cares what I do. Meaning, I can do anything without worry because no one matters anymore. There are no crosses to hold, except my commitment to my mother for raising me. 

I guess when it comes down to it, the fact that I am alone means that I am unchained. Funny thing is that having nothing means you have everything to live for. An empty void can be filled with life for eternity. Sometimes the glass looks empty, but really it is a container than can be filled if one decides to. 

I need to look at schools this weekend. I need a better job to occupy my time. I need some more responsibility and obligations. I do not need friends at all, no one that is here today and gone tomorrow. There is no need to feel disposable. It's time to grow. Also, it's time to lift heavy things.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Brave Old World

First posts are hard to do sometimes, so here it goes... For so long I've watched the Scene change as I have been apart of it before it was cool to be a part of it. I know that's a bold statement to say and I know a lot of people probably roll their eyes as I say it, but wait a second... give this guy a shot at least if you actually ever felt something for the music, the listeners, the artists and just the true heart of the scene. If you can remember when emo meant emotional hardcore, when you were two-stepping in the pit with just 3-4 people and everyone around was staring because they never had scene kids dance like that at a show before, even more... when the people that went to shows went there because they loved the music then just bookmark this page and visit it a little often. I myself am a bit lacking on the focus department (I've been told I may have ADHD but who cares?). The point of this may be futile but hey, we have to try fight for what we love. Basically, I g...
Read more

Silence

I am getting used to the silence, growing detached from everything and having nothing keeping me bound. It's nice not knowing anyone. I don't know love, friendship or attachment anymore. Now, I can see my own thoughts and no longer feel like I need to impress anyone. I'm just alone, and by the power if Grayskull, I sure feel powerful. Loneliness has definitely made me see that no one matters. Movies are just movies, and none of it is real. The only thing that is real is each day and each moment inscribed. I wish I did this a year ago.
Read more

Yup

There's this type of girl I am looking for. I call her Anima. She appears in my dreams. I've analysed her for so long and realize that the first, she originates from my mother. She also is also a part of the nature that I grew up in in Namibia. She is tough, diverse, her own person and exists without me. She knows I am crazy and wild but allows me to be, but she knows when I need to come home. And she is able to pull me right there. I do so because gives that much of a fuck about me that she knows. She can control me with just her eyes or tone. She's also my physical mate. She's like my mother. I'm just a male figure and as Carl Jung spoke of, that's my Anima. In other news, I know who my friends are and aren't. Sad to say, I don't get along with these fuckers. I know who they are, what they are. I tried to help but I can't. Friendships, that I see too often, destroy me. I like those friends that I see once in a while. I feel bad for Mostafa caus...
Read more