Finding Bliss

Happy 2017. Sarah is annoying. Had a great thought  and  it took Niss M to finally see where the pieces fit in my life. It's the people I have that I know can do great things together.

Not sure where the end begins and where the begin ends. Almost 29. I work at a beer garden down by my apartment. I work at the 3rd largest H&M in the globe. I'm still kinda fucked up all the time but whatever. I met a cool girl, but I don't know how to deal with it yet. I'm still learning about this dating thing. I did say I'd take it slow and I am, even with texting. It's December and I have a lot of events to attend as usual, which I don't really care about too much. I wanna cut clean, but it's hard. I almost did a good job last time until I got wasted. I did tell some bitch off though recently. Totally forgot about it cause I was so drunk. Got slapped too on the same night. I'm a complete class act. I need to start on my web design career for real this time. I need to do a lot of things but I'm not too confident about it so I'm all in my head trying to figure that out. I'm broke AF all the time. Nothing comes easy but I do know that ...

There's this type of girl I am looking for. I call her Anima. She appears in my dreams. I've analysed her for so long and realize that the first, she originates from my mother. She also is also a part of the nature that I grew up in in Namibia. She is tough, diverse, her own person and exists without me. She knows I am crazy and wild but allows me to be, but she knows when I need to come home. And she is able to pull me right there. I do so because gives that much of a fuck about me that she knows. She can control me with just her eyes or tone. She's also my physical mate. She's like my mother. I'm just a male figure and as Carl Jung spoke of, that's my Anima. In other news, I know who my friends are and aren't. Sad to say, I don't get along with these fuckers. I know who they are, what they are. I tried to help but I can't. Friendships, that I see too often, destroy me. I like those friends that I see once in a while. I feel bad for Mostafa caus...

So I'm working at this beer garden now on Friday to Monday. I started dating this girl that's a server there cause I liked her work ethic. I pulled her in hard through emotional mind traps and fed on her vulnerabilities like I always do. Things got weighs after a month, then awkward cause I pulled away. I pulled away cause things got too serious and once the clouds lifted, I feel like staying away. She's a really good person but I'm just so thirsty. I'm just this way and I can't be tied down just yet. I feel like a piece of shit, but that's just how I feel. I'm not in love. I didn't get to know her before things were concrete and I realize she needs work. I do too but I'm not that person. She wants to hold on, but I know I'll break herbheart. Too many 'buts ' right now cause I'm either finding excuses or finding reasons. I'm too wild right now. I'm not a relationship guy. I'm feeling a lot of females and I'm so sor...

Been a while since I wrote. Let's see. I ain't seeing Kathleen. She said she don't wanna fuck. Not sure if it's me making her feel like I'm using her or she just really got into a situation where she feels like it's not the right thing for her right now. She's been really cool and the sex was amazing. Definitely an A. Saw Jacey before she went on her Europtrip. Smashed. Wasn't my greatest performance but I tried. She kinda got a bit chubs so it grossed me out a little. She prob looks better fit. What am I saying? So do a lot of people. It was Rob's birthday and we went skydiving last Saturday. I kinda just stopped thinking and started doing like in the early sections of The Untethered soul say. It was beautiful. I was living in the moment, falling from 13500 feet in the sky. From the airplane straight into the sky. It's such a completely different realm and you really do need to have your wits about you. You have to be able to orient yours...

I stop writing for a while, thinking that I don't need it, but the truth is that I do. Months later and now I realize that I'm still depressed. I am behind on my school work and I just can't find the motivation to do so. Ting is, I wanna be a leader, how can I ever land a leadership position if I can't even motivate myself? How am I supposed to motivate others when I don't even have it set for me. Perhaps I should start thinking of myself as an organization. One that has needs and is motivated by incentives. What is the problem? The problem is that I have all this school work I am held back on. The need is that I have to graduate. The only ones that can do it are my brain and my heart. Nothing keeps my brain from going for it, so there is a problem with my heart. My heart is so separate from my brain now. Why is there that disconnection? I can say all the things I hate about myself... but the truth is that maybe I just need to recognize what I am and who I have beco...

Doing laundry. Super Bowl at James'. Talking to an Australian musician. Mad cute. Last semester of school, broke as fuck. Life is OK.