Finding Bliss

I'm really hungry today. I have this habit of not eating for an entire day. I need to stop it cause I look really skinny for me. Plus I did squats yesterday and I want to do some more today so I definitely need to pig out. Will try to see if I can squeeze in 3 meals right now. Seriously, I feel like I should be bigger than I am. Maybe I need to make this happen, after I quit this fucking job. Hmm... Let's see. 3 Eggs, tomatoes, onions, 2 pieces of whole wheat toast, toss in some tuna or Greek yogurt, granola, blueberries, banana/peanut/milk smoothie, chicken, rice, beans, sweet potatoes and a lovely salad with blueberries, tomatoes, avocado, chickpeas and baby spinach. Yeah... Can I do that in 4 hours AND throw in some squats & push ups? Will fucking find out now.

I spoke to my mom and her boyfriend today because I have been frustrated with work. Things are not going well, and I think it is just me in a rough time and have no friends currently. But, I have been thinking at least. So, I definitely do not have any friends or anyone outside of my family as my support. That's cool. I guess I am starting from the bottom. My job sucks. So I need to get crackin' on the resume and start applying. This time, I will not seek the limelight, but do things the old fashioned way. Land a not so ideal job, start at the bottom and climb up. It's how it has to be. Next, my career options are limited. I need to find a school to go to. Before that, I need to take the GMATs then apply. Third, I need to get the fuck out of this city. Either I am completely jaded, or there is a place here that I have yet to find. I miss the years of feeling the wonder of this city. Something new would definitely grant wonder. My favorite places are Namibia and Thai...

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything. There's so many thoughts circulating throughout my head that I want to just pin down and let out one at a time. I guess that's why I still write. Currently, I live in New York City. I have no friends. I do not want any. I'm not good with relationships at all because I am lost inside my own head. I am lost in my own head 'cause I am lost in life. There was a path with an unknown destination that I once had. Every day I'd live it, meet new people, be with people, but never folded to the crowd. I guess that's what "riding the wave" meant. One day, I decided to live a life like others, and I lost my way. Now, I no longer have those relationships I once had; they seemed to become a poison to my being. Probably because I was headed down a dead-end street that everyone else knew not to follow. Well, I reached the bottom. I am tired and bored with everything. There's no reason why I want to cont...

Still don't can't put my finger on it, but I definitely like the conversations. They tend to be more chill and mature and not trying, like me. Down-to-earth. Wish some girls would mature faster, so my laid back attitude wouldn't be seen as not giving a fuck.

I have too many thoughts in my head. I can't be the only one who feels like this, but I have no clue what to do except for breathe, try clear my mind and meditate. It's like all of my frustrations decided to come out today, after I decided to no longer give a fuck, I'm being pulled back into the old habits and behaviours. I just want to be free. I think I'm just going to workout. My legs feel neglected and at least when I am in pain, I do not think about anything else. That's all I have right now. I also have to send out these resumes and apply for a salary job. Commission blows. At least writing this has helped a little.

Yesterday, I felt so frustrated. Things weren't going my way again, and I really don't want to be this quiet person, evasive from confrontation like every other jerk around. Admittingly, I am an asshole deep down and I like it. I grew up listening to punk rock and breaking the norms. I hate dressing like everyone else. I hate talking like others. I ran away from church at 12 years old cause everyone acted like mindless puppets. I am an individual. What the hell is up with fitting in? That shit sucks so much. You do things you do not want cause you're afraid of standing out, like there is something wrong with who you are. There is nothing wrong. Ever since dating Taylor, who was a freaking bitch, but convinced myself that I loved her, I had just quieted my inner-self in hopes that I could hold on to the relationship. And of course, the thing you try hardest to keep, you lose it. Even though the relationship was over, the person I had become stayed with me... For YEARS! Onl...