Finding Bliss

Let's drink until you cannot drink anymore. I thought about it a few times, but I honestly cannot get myself to partake in such stupidity. What the hell am I to drink for? If I do not have a reason, then is it not pointless? I was invited to a New Year's party featuring old highschool mates, and first off, it's all the way out in the middle Queens and takes about an hour and a half to get there. Second, I do not have the desire to drink. Third, I have GMATs coming up soon and finally feeling comfortable and do not deal with a loss of flow at this point. Knowing me, if I go, I would get wasted. There are a few more reasons, but I can tell that already there is no point in me going because I have convinced myself not to go.  I wish when I got that call from Alex, I had said no in the first place instead of suffering from that people pleasing episode. I do not have any desire to see any of those people. There's no thrill or excitement in that life anymore. Another test

Sometimes you just gotta be the bad guy.

Today is the long awaited day of quitting video games. I did my best, I played awesomely, but man... Kids in online video games suck. They're kids... so what do you expect? Some are really good, but too many just suck. I quit because they waste a lot of time for me. Come to realize, it seems that I can measure each passing hour blindfolded as if time were a physical object. There are many things that waste time... Like Facebook, celebrities, articles on what the president ate for lunch, and so forth. There comes a time where you outgrow certain things and become wiser. For me, the time is now. I have an exam to study for so I will focus on that for the remainder of my free time. I was good at one thing, now I will be amazing at another. Before finishing this post, I was gonna go a little in-depth to why I quit, but there is not much to say other than it's  waste of time. I guess for me it is something simple. Let's see I turned 26 on Wednesday, I became more comfortable

Feeling ephemeral. I do not understand, but I should do something right now. Work out. Eat. Meditate. I guess that's it and perhaps study a little bit. Then repeat tomorrow. I was feeling scared yesterday to workout because I was still feeling sore. I was worrying so much that it turned to 11:30pm and I had not done shit. My body was still aching, but for some reason I just felt that I had to do something physical. Seriously, been trapped in the house all day. Not really the best way to spend the holidays. Either way, my birthday is coming up and hopefully I can get to see my mom. Perhaps make it some sort of birthday, rather than just boozing and getting empty greetings. I'd love to find a school that I can get into already. Gosh.

To find the truth, I must step into darkness. At the edge of the dark tunnel is a waterfall. Beneath it lies a vast sea with creatures big and scary. Above the waters is the sun and city where my dreams take place. Each night that I dream, I travel this path and continue my journey. This is the place I must go in this realm

Worked out. Ate. Can't sleep yet. Bored.  I started writing something earlier about my view on friendship, which then got me thinking about the type of person I am. Just don't give a fuck. At least, I shouldn't and I tend to fall into the realm of giving a fuck, but I'm like a headless chicken in this realm. Maybe it's my approach. Like in the wild, you should always be on guard, but be fearless in making a step. I had forgotten to steel my heart and stepped out unprotected and got severely wounded instead of guarding and counter-attacking. It's amazing how much of yourself you forget when you get lost in the shuffle. Next time I dive back into the wild, I want to be stronger and have my guard on high. 

Through all these years, I have finally begun the journey of surrender. Usually, I would force things by thinking I could do them if I gave it my all. Now, I just don't care. I'm not going to force anything anymore. Whatever happens, happens. That's it. The only thing that really matters is enjoying the journey. Whatever path I walk, I will enjoy the steps to the goal. But reaching it does not matter anymore, it never did because tomorrow is never promised. This is surrender. This is bliss.