Finding Bliss

Meeting Al Gore today. Yikes!

602 on the way. Vi is beautiful. I dunno how but I have to grow with her. Sorry for getting you sick and thank you for taking care of me yesterday.

Happy 2017. Sarah is annoying. Had a great thought  and  it took Niss M to finally see where the pieces fit in my life. It's the people I have that I know can do great things together.

Not sure where the end begins and where the begin ends. Almost 29. I work at a beer garden down by my apartment. I work at the 3rd largest H&M in the globe. I'm still kinda fucked up all the time but whatever. I met a cool girl, but I don't know how to deal with it yet. I'm still learning about this dating thing. I did say I'd take it slow and I am, even with texting. It's December and I have a lot of events to attend as usual, which I don't really care about too much. I wanna cut clean, but it's hard. I almost did a good job last time until I got wasted. I did tell some bitch off though recently. Totally forgot about it cause I was so drunk. Got slapped too on the same night. I'm a complete class act. I need to start on my web design career for real this time. I need to do a lot of things but I'm not too confident about it so I'm all in my head trying to figure that out. I'm broke AF all the time. Nothing comes easy but I do know that ...

There's this type of girl I am looking for. I call her Anima. She appears in my dreams. I've analysed her for so long and realize that the first, she originates from my mother. She also is also a part of the nature that I grew up in in Namibia. She is tough, diverse, her own person and exists without me. She knows I am crazy and wild but allows me to be, but she knows when I need to come home. And she is able to pull me right there. I do so because gives that much of a fuck about me that she knows. She can control me with just her eyes or tone. She's also my physical mate. She's like my mother. I'm just a male figure and as Carl Jung spoke of, that's my Anima. In other news, I know who my friends are and aren't. Sad to say, I don't get along with these fuckers. I know who they are, what they are. I tried to help but I can't. Friendships, that I see too often, destroy me. I like those friends that I see once in a while. I feel bad for Mostafa caus...

So I'm working at this beer garden now on Friday to Monday. I started dating this girl that's a server there cause I liked her work ethic. I pulled her in hard through emotional mind traps and fed on her vulnerabilities like I always do. Things got weighs after a month, then awkward cause I pulled away. I pulled away cause things got too serious and once the clouds lifted, I feel like staying away. She's a really good person but I'm just so thirsty. I'm just this way and I can't be tied down just yet. I feel like a piece of shit, but that's just how I feel. I'm not in love. I didn't get to know her before things were concrete and I realize she needs work. I do too but I'm not that person. She wants to hold on, but I know I'll break herbheart. Too many 'buts ' right now cause I'm either finding excuses or finding reasons. I'm too wild right now. I'm not a relationship guy. I'm feeling a lot of females and I'm so sor...

Been a while since I wrote. Let's see. I ain't seeing Kathleen. She said she don't wanna fuck. Not sure if it's me making her feel like I'm using her or she just really got into a situation where she feels like it's not the right thing for her right now. She's been really cool and the sex was amazing. Definitely an A. Saw Jacey before she went on her Europtrip. Smashed. Wasn't my greatest performance but I tried. She kinda got a bit chubs so it grossed me out a little. She prob looks better fit. What am I saying? So do a lot of people. It was Rob's birthday and we went skydiving last Saturday. I kinda just stopped thinking and started doing like in the early sections of The Untethered soul say. It was beautiful. I was living in the moment, falling from 13500 feet in the sky. From the airplane straight into the sky. It's such a completely different realm and you really do need to have your wits about you. You have to be able to orient yours...

I stop writing for a while, thinking that I don't need it, but the truth is that I do. Months later and now I realize that I'm still depressed. I am behind on my school work and I just can't find the motivation to do so. Ting is, I wanna be a leader, how can I ever land a leadership position if I can't even motivate myself? How am I supposed to motivate others when I don't even have it set for me. Perhaps I should start thinking of myself as an organization. One that has needs and is motivated by incentives. What is the problem? The problem is that I have all this school work I am held back on. The need is that I have to graduate. The only ones that can do it are my brain and my heart. Nothing keeps my brain from going for it, so there is a problem with my heart. My heart is so separate from my brain now. Why is there that disconnection? I can say all the things I hate about myself... but the truth is that maybe I just need to recognize what I am and who I have beco...

Doing laundry. Super Bowl at James'. Talking to an Australian musician. Mad cute. Last semester of school, broke as fuck. Life is OK.

It's June and it feels like April. It rains constantly, but it's nice, pleasant and relaxing. It came so late but it's rejuvenation. So I don't talk to Liz or Nova for whatever reason. Courtney moved out. Have two new roommates. One is Liz' friend, trying to stay away from her. She might be crazy like that old woman. Friendly but guarded. The other one is an Argentinian beauty named Tiffany. She's cool and has the happiest laugh. I invited her to Vin's party on Friday. Would be cool if she came. Been hanging with Vin this winter/spring and realized how much of a party animal he is, especially since he's middle aged. I'm in my late 20s and I just can't keep up. I'd like if he relaxed. The body can only take so much punishment and neglect before it decides to fight back. The mind can be poisoned. I know it happens to me where I get caught up in the flesh, but at least I can step away and take the harder path to bliss. If only others just us...

Thanksgiving was great. Grocery shopped with Liz, Nova and Courtney on Tuesday. Had Thanksgiving with the roommates on Thursday. And was a pretty chilled night. Watched two movies. Had this dream though and Liz was in it. Dammit. Asked Francesca out, found out she was seeing someone, but no shit, that girl is awesome. Oh well. Got a lot of game to work on. Went out for Mari Killed 2 mice this week. Mended my bathroom with grout. It's drying right now. Shower should be good tomorrow morning, I hope. Doing man work is fun. Living with Liz reminds me of living with my mom. I feel normal and playful. Like a kid again. She heard my phone call to my mom and apparently I talk to my mom like I would a girlfriend. Thought that was funny, but also made me think that my girlfriend definitely has to be like my mother. I need to get that comfortable. We'll see how it goes. I got some of my Aunt's work to do but will do it later. Working on some school stuff for tomorrow right no...

I got to learn to swim with the current I'm so busy all the time. No time for love. Just for progression. There's this cute girl at work that I can't stop staring at. She's 6 years younger than me. Gah. Even asked her out, but we'll see how that goes. I'm becoming more open, more in love with fear every day. I also realized that I am of materia and not of the father and never will I try to be that spiritual intellectual, so enlightened being. I am here on Earth, and it is Earth where I shall have my impact.

I found my path, blah blah blah. Another important note is that I have realized that my diet and personality and connected. I always thought cause of that one bad breakup that I had changed completely, but I was reminded today that at the time, I was in the midst of a diet change. It wasn't the break up that I lost who I was, I was never who I was to begin with because I was drugged up on sugar and carbohydrates from my awful diet. I used to drink soda, eat McDonald's, fast food pizza, ice cream, cheap takeout, etc. Then I grew sick of it and weened myself off of it right about when I broke up with Taylor. I didn't feel like myself, but the reason was that my diet changed and I guess after the break up, I thought I had changed so much that night, but I was changing little by little over time and only then did I realize just how much I changed before I met the girl. I just feel stupid. All that self-blame when really it was me not understanding who I was. I was on sugar and ...

The pendulum stands still, frozen in place. My mind races, thinking back to the events that brought me here. I was born in the village, and shortly after my father was taken away. I've been raised by a single mother and with the help of my aunt. I've grown up in both the NYC and Namibia. I was raised to be polite, carefree, educated, forward thinking, adventurous and modest. The music the lights my soul is rock music, but my taste does not have limits. Those words and sounds that illuminate always have a place in my heart.  Growing up, I felt like I was just like everyone else. For a moment, I thought I had found my place. I just wanted to get comfortable for once, but reality isn't a place for comforts. As a result, I got stuck in mind and in life like the pendulum that presently stands frozen.  I had thought I was just having fun. I did not understand how serious things were. How the small decisions were to lay the bricks for the rest of my life. What I know now is...

Yeah, I'm spoiled.  I don't care. I don't like anyone. I'm boring. Whatever.

I have a rich inner world that not many people have. It's a place where only I can be happy by myself.  I thought it was weird and I have thought that I must find happiness in the external, over the horizon, across the sea, over the hill, and on to the next one, but my home is here in my heart. It can all be taken away in an instant, but I can live peacefully and happily knowing myself, growing and continuously challenging myself. Even as a web designer, half the things I work on, I don't know initially, but I'm smart enough to figure out. I'm definitely not the best, but I am great at adapting.

Life is short. I wanted to write what I wanted to write but now I just don't want to after a somber feeling has come over me. I am grateful for everything in my life. It definitely could be much different.

I am part of a generation that's lost. This weekend I had my friend from Pittsburgh housesit with me. Watched the house, and two Pittbulls. It was relaxing since I'm so used to fake personified New York women. There's something about girls raised in suburbs, in non-city environments that's soothing. I might know how to act, but I think New York just teaches you to act. There's a lot of people, many you don't wanna deal with and sometimes you just wanna put up face and not deal with it. There's horses of every type of person, so when you move on to a small town mindset, it throws you off. However, I was also raised on Namibia, which has taught me all about being genuine. True feelings flow like a leaky faucet. It's nice to have people see you for that. My friend and I walked around the city from South Ferry to Madison Square Park. I shared experiences that I would never share with any of my other friends. We ended up at MSP and saw a concert at a festiv...

I've been thinking of writing the last few days. Recently, I've been involved in reading a lot of psychology texts and I come to realize that I do have ways to go. I'm sure that in time that I will be able to let go once again. I'm stuck feeling vulnerable. I want to figure out what's going on in my unconscious cause I have dreams and it is translated in my dreams. I'm still seeking courage at this time.

I can feel a new horizon, that which I want to fight for, to die for, by my hand and through my choices. This country was never for me. I'm a weird person, I admit, therefore I shall not stay and be what I think others find comfortable. There is no comfort in me.